Improve Your Relationships By Learning How to Communicate Through (same sex partner) Safe Conversations
No commentsBy maureen collins
Many of our day to day conversations are routine, safe and easy. They involve making plans, discussing events, and sharing minor concerns. Some of our conversations however are about issues where we see things very differently, where we both feel strongly, and where the stakes are high. These are the conversations that define the quality of our relationships.
We face them in all parts of our lives. These are some of the most common ones.
Giving feedback to employees who do not perform
Discussing standards for disciplining children with our spouse or in-laws
Dealing with friends who let us down
Speaking up to people in authority
Dealing with toxic colleagues
Many of us simply shut down when faced with these conversations, scared that if we speak up with what we think or feel, we will become emotional, say the wrong thing and do damage to our relationships. So we tolerate situations that cause us frustration, inconvenience, or personal distress until the day when we can hold our feelings in no longer. Then we burst out in frustration, anger and outrage.
Learning how to make conversations on difficult subjects safe, is an essential skill in developing good relationships based on open and trusting communication. There are five principles you can follow.
The first is to hold difficult conversations sooner.
This does not mean that you should have conversations in the heat of angry moments. It does mean that you should plan what you are going to say and then as soon as you can find a suitable time and place, have the conversation. The longer you wait to discuss an unhappy situation, the more distressed you become about it and the less able you are to handle it calmly and safely.
Secondly, you should try to suspend judgment.
In every difficult conversation there are at least two sides to the story, and often no right answer. What is the right way to raise children for example? If you go into a conversation to win, to convince the other person that you are right, then you are more likely to end up in an argument than a conversation. Being open minded and willing to listen to the views of the other person goes a long way to making conversations safe.
Recognise that you may be part of the problem!
You can be part of the problem in a difficult conversation in several ways. One of the most common is that you have tolerated a situation for some time without speaking up, and the other person has had no reason to assume that you have been unhappy. If might be an employee whose poor performance or late-coming you have not confronted. It might be a partner or spouse whose work schedule leaves no time for family.
The longer you stay silent, the more you are contributing to the problem!
The fourth principle is to choose your battles.
No matter how skilled you may become in handling difficult people and difficult conversations there will always be some you will choose not to have. The stakes may be too high, and the risk of confrontation may be too great. Perhaps you have tolerated the situation for so long that it would simply be unreasonable to ask for change. Perhaps the issue is not important enough. Consciously choosing the conversations you will handle is an emotionally intelligent decision.
Finally, when you go into a conversation, put the facts first.
When you put facts on the table, you are putting down a safe platform on which a conversation can take place. People may see the facts differently, but the differing views do not change the facts themselves. Facts are just facts. They are not in themselves accusing or threatening.
When you plan conversations around these five principles you will find that it is safe to talk about many topics you never thought you would be able to confront. The result is that you will be able to build more open, trusting and healthier relationships.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She specialises in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
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Improve Your Communication Skills: Communicate To Understand, Not To Win
By maureen collins
Most of us set great store by having all the facts, knowing what is correct and being clear about exactly what is wrong. In most situations, this clarity and certainty serves us well.
We have been rewarded for having the right answers through school, college and our working lives. The more competent, technically specialised and senior we are in our organisations, the more difficulty we have approaching a conversation in any way other than to think we have all the facts and the right answer to the problem.
However, there are many difficult and sensitive conversations, where being right is not the most important factor. In issues of personal needs and wants, likes and dislikes, who is to say definitively what is right, and if indeed any are wrong? Relationships develop conversation by conversation and it is in the difficult conversations over matters like these that the quality of a relationship is determined.
When we feel strongly, we tend to argue for our position, for being right. It is therefore inevitable that if the other person feels differently about the issue, they must be wrong. We should be having conversations in which we get to understand our differing views, and so develop our relationships.
Instead, we end up in arguments, with winners and losers. When we argue we stop listening, we become emotional, and because we feel the other person is being unreasonable, we become frustrated and angry. Arguments like these lead nowhere and the more often this pattern is played out, the more relationships take on a win lose tone.
The problem is that what we say makes sense; to us. We forget that what the other person says also makes sense; to them. Each of us lives in a different world of perceptions, experiences, expectations, beliefs, fears, interpretations. But to each of us, our own world makes sense, and we argue from that perspective.
The only way to get anywhere in a disagreement is to listen and understand what the other person is saying, until you can see how it makes sense to them. You must first understand, before you can expect to be understood. Understanding someone does not mean that you will necessarily agree on their viewpoint, but it is an essential step in the process by which you can try to reach agreement.
As you prepare for a conversation remind yourself that you do not know all sides of the story and that your view is not the only possible one. Remind yourself that you might even have been contributing to the problem without realising it! The more complex an issue is, the more views there will be of it. The more contentious it is, the more those views will differ, and the more strongly people will defend their own.
You cannot open a conversation by stating your view on something strongly, with the conviction that it is the only reasonable one to hold, and expecting others to tell you openly how they see it. You are actually inviting them either to agree with you or to be wrong! That does not lead to the kind of conversation on which good relationships are built.
Step away from being right. Try being curious. Notice what a difference it makes to your conversations; and to your relationships.
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Maureen Collins trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people in her consulting practice, Straight Talk. She has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
Handle Really Difficult Conversations: How to Talk Safely About Attitudes And Relationships
By maureen collins
There are difficult conversations in our lives; and then there are the really difficult ones! Conversations between a manager and employee about poor performance at least have the advantages that roles are clear, and that performance can be measured and recorded. Conversations become a lot more difficult, and require a lot more skill, when you are talking about issues of respect, attitude and relationships in a team.
Consider how you would handle a conversation with a team whom you felt was not accepting you and was perhaps being discriminatory toward you.
You were recently appointed to the senior management team. Everyone has been very civil to you, they co-operate when you need information, include you in meetings and in task teams. But you cannot help noticing that in the three months you have been in the team, you have not been able to build any close working relationship with your colleagues. You never seem to be included in the general banter around the office or in casual conversations. No-one comes to hang around at your desk as they sometimes do with each other.
You have been trying not to be overly sensitive. After all, it has only been three months. However, you realize that you are the only woman in a team that has been together for many years. You also know that you do not have the length of experience or the depth of general technical background that most of the other managers have, although you are more than qualified to do your own job.
How could you approach a situation like this without seeming to over-react and perhaps make the situation worse than it is?
Dealing with this problem means first dealing with the voices in your head.
These are the voices that say: They do not like me: They will think that because I am a woman I am being emotional: They are not being fair: They should give me a chance. When you start to hear voices like these in your head, the first thing you should do is notice the data you have that supports your feelings. What exactly has happened? Who said what? Who did not include you? When and from where exactly did your feelings arise?
You may find you have made a generalisation from one instance or from one person, to include the whole group. Maybe you have exaggerated what has been happening. On the other hand, maybe you have been expecting too much, too soon. It can take some time before an established team accepts a newcomer, particularly one without their own background and experience: in other words, someone who is different. The wisest step may be to wait and notice some more. You might find that the voices go away.
At the same time you need to ask yourself if you have been part of the problem. Have you been waiting for people to approach you? Could you be more outgoing, offering friendship to others before you expect them to offer it to you? You could try to gently change your behaviour to see if others respond. All it may take is that you offer to meet people a little more than half way, to start breaking the ice.
Sometimes this is not enough to make the voices go away. Now you have to go further into considering whether you have actually been creating the problem. Have you been acting out your feelings of unacceptance? Does your eye contact or tone of voice betray you? Is there anything in your behaviour that subtly communicates your negative feelings to the group? Could their behaviour be a response to negativity in your own behaviour?
If possible ask for feedback from one of the group, perhaps someone with whom you have formed some relationship. Then use it to change your behaviour.
If none of this makes the voices in your head disappear, it is time to plan a conversation that will clear the air. Choose a safe place and time. Do not start with your feelings! Start with your observations of how the team behaves. This allows others to understand the source of your concern. Let them know that you accept your share of responsibility for becoming a full team member. Explain how you feel. Then ask if you can talk it through.
Although a conversation like this will not be easy, having it is the only sure way to clear the air so you can start to build up a good working relationship with your colleagues. Dealing with those voices in your head first, is the only way to make the conversation safe so you and the team can openly discuss any real issues that may exist between you.
Maureen Collins has a B.Sc. degree in Psychology from Edinburgh University and over 25 years of consulting experience. She consults in communication in the workplace. In Straight Talk, she trains people how to handle difficult conversations, on difficult topics, with difficult people. Get free Straight Talk Tips. http://www.straight-talk.co.za
Sunday, November 23rd, 2008 at 11:25 am and is filed under relationships. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. You can leave a response, or trackback from your own site.
